news-engine

And we’re off again. True, it seems but a wet week ago that the last Premier League season ended, and we had an interminable World Cup to fill the gap in between, but the 2026-27 campaign is up and running, and it has brought no end of change. There’s a new hairdo for Erling Haaland, a new nose for Wayne Rooney, and a new midfield for Manchester United, thus far only one of those a success. “They’re building something really special,” said Owen Hargreaves when TNT Sports’ coverage of United’s trip to Hull got under way, Hargreaves gushing so much about new signings Youri Tielemans and Andrey Santos, you’d imagine they were Zico and Zidane. “Can you see anything other than a Manchester United win?” our host Lynsey Hipgrave asked Karen Carney. “No, I can’t – I think it’s just about how long can Hull keep Manchester United out.” Owen nodded furiously. READ MORE And then, well, you know yourself. “It’s one of the shocks of the season,” said Ally McCoist of the second game of the season, the announcement over the MKM Stadium PA that all the trains back to Manchester had been cancelled, adding to the gaiety of the Hull faithful. “You’re going home in a taxi,” they bellowed, which was unkind. Incidentally, if you wondered why Hull’s mascot is a giant brick wearing a hard hat, that’s because MKM is a building supplies company. God knows how long it took them to come up with a name for the fella, possibly several focus groups involved in the process. In the end, they went for Bricky. Anyway, back to the post-match analysis. How did Tielemans and Santos fare, Lynsey asked Owen. “Em...” he said, the fella never wanting to be rude, but if he’d have been blunt, he would have conceded that they were more Djemba-Djemba and Fred than Zico and Zidane. Jules Breach was given the task of interviewing a gutted Michael Carrick post-match, his conclusion that there were “bits to improve on” after losing 2-0 to Hull and rarely troubling a defence that conceded even more goals than relegated Oxford United last season. “Jaysus, what bits do you not need to improve on?” Jules should have asked, but she bit her tongue. Wayne, though, let it all out on Match of the Day that night, scundering United, although some might not have been able to focus on his analysis because he sounded a bit like a man who had a peg pinching his nose. Judge him not: he had surgery on said feature recently having had it broken almost as many times as Kevin Moran and Mick McCarthy during their careers, so it wasn’t for cosmetic purposes. But he looks lovely. Spurs fans, meanwhile, were left holding their noses during that drubbing by Brentford, or O’Brentford as we must now dub them, what with Keith Andrews, Damien Duff, Caoimhín Kelleher and Nathan Collins on their books. Our commentator Bill Leslie was beside himself when he spotted, of all people, Jon Bon Jovi in the crowd at the game. He could only guess that he was there to watch new Spurs signing Jan Paul van Hecke in action. “He heard that Janny used to work down in the docks.” This seemed to go right over Alan Smith’s head, until he noted that “it’s been no bed of roses for Spurs so far”. It’s at times like this, of course, that you realise that your multiple subscriptions to watch Premier League football are worth every cent, even if they leave you dining on stale bread and water. That Sky ad currently playing on a loop is promising more than 1,500 live games this season, which means we won’t see daylight ‘til next May. Note: our own Abbie Larkin stars in its promo for the WSL, not to be parochially proud as punch about it, or anything. Every season, need it be said, starts with hope, but it can be punctured early enough. Take Aston Villa and their trip to Brighton. Just the 4-0 down after 31 minutes, and by the 40th debutant João Gomes had given a goal away, was booked and then sent off. “Not even I was that bad at Villa,” said Micah Richards. “I think you probably were,” Mark Chapman replied. Arsenal? “Their second-choice back four is better than any other side’s first choice,” Gary Neville suggested on Friday night when it all kicked off. This is true. You fear the rest of the title hopefuls are also-rans. Livin’ on a prayer.